Because if I don’t share, I’ll explode: a Goldilocks story

4 Mar

Yesterday at work (not verbatim, but pretty damn close):

Customer to cashier: I want a capuccino.

Cashier: One cappucino.

Customer: With vanilla.

Cashier: Vanilla cappucino.

Customer: But not too much vanilla.

Cashier: Light vanilla…

Customer: No, i don’t want light vanilla, I want regular vanilla.

Cashier: Yes, ma’am, I meant “light” as in “not too much”…

Customer: But I don’t want too little either.

Cashier: …

Three minutes later:

Same customer to barista*: You are making it wrong.

Barista: This is the light vanilla cappucino, ma’am?

Customer: I don’t want light vanilla, I want regular vanilla.

Barista: Ma’am, we don’t have light vanilla syrup, this is regular vanilla syrup. By “light” I mean “not too much”…

Customer: You are making it wrong.

Barista: …

After barista makes drink a second time, customer takes a sip, puts it down on the counter.

Customer: This has too much foam.

Barista: …

After barista makes drink a third time, customer takes a sip, puts it down on the counter.

Customer: This is too hot. I don’t know how you expect me to drink this. Are you trying to burn my mouth?

Barista: …

After barista makes drink a fourth time, customer grabs cup, hunts down yours truly, slams cup down on the counter between us.

Customer: She made it wrong. She put cold milk in it. I don’t want a cold drink. I want a warm drink. Why can’t you people make my drink correctly?

Me: …

As I start to make the drink for the fifth time,

Customer: I don’t think it’s too much to ask to have my drink made the right way. I don’t want you to use cold milk. My drink should come up at the right temperature without you adding cold milk. You are making it wrong, I told you I don’t want cold milk!

Me: Ma’am, the steamer in the machine only has one temperature, if I don’t add at least some cold milk, it will be too hot again.

Customer: You are making it wrong again!

I finish making the cappuccino and hand it over for her to taste.

Customer: It’s the right temperature, but it doesn’t taste like coffee. Or vanilla. Did you put any espresso in here? It doesn’t taste like espresso. Why doesn’t it taste like espresso? And it doesn’t have enough vanilla. I told you I didn’t want you to put too little vanilla in it. Why is the foam white? Can’t you people stir customers’ drinks? And you didn’t give me a lid. Why didn’t you give me a lid?

Me: …

One drink, one customer: three people, five fucking perfectly good espresso drinks–with vanilla syrup–and a fifteen minutes harangue.

~ ~ * ~ ~

This, my gentle visitors, is why some people go postal.

Please just put me out of my misery already.

~ ~ * ~ ~

* At this point, the customer is almost behind the counter, crowding the barista. I am standing less than five feet from the customer and can hear every single whine word coming out of her mouth.

11 Responses to “Because if I don’t share, I’ll explode: a Goldilocks story”

  1. heavenlea27 04/03/2014 at 7:11 AM #

    The wench should be grateful she wasn’t wearing the coffee – you’re not making it right? If she’s so goddam perfect at making coffee, what the hell is she doing buying it? I’m so glad I’m not in the customer service biz anymore. I feel for ya babe! You want me to make you a coffee? (sorry, had to 🙂 Hope it put a smile on your face…)

    • azteclady 04/03/2014 at 11:52 AM #

      *chuckle* Thank you, it did. And yes, I wondered exactly the same.

  2. Lori 04/03/2014 at 9:49 AM #

    It’s only funny in retrospect.

    What an unhappy woman she must be.

    • azteclady 04/03/2014 at 11:55 AM #

      It was pretty damn mystifying at the time, for sure.

      Annoying/insulting/condescending/rude customers seem to fall into mostly two types: an unassailable sense of entitlement, or deeply rooted unhappiness. Toss up which one this woman was.

  3. SuperWendy 04/03/2014 at 3:44 PM #

    OMG! The sad thing is that you probably could have called up to the heaven and had God make her damn coffee and she would have been all like, “there’s not enough vanilla in it.” Ugh. What a bitch.

    • azteclady 04/03/2014 at 4:10 PM #

      Not one of the customers you want to come back, for sure.

  4. Kat 04/03/2014 at 7:22 PM #

    Why is the foam white??? o_O The only thing I can think of (other than your customer had issues) is that she once had the perfect vanilla-flavoured cap and was trying to recreate it without knowing how. But still. You need a badge that says ‘You’re ordering it wrong.’ 😀

    • azteclady 04/03/2014 at 7:37 PM #

      Well, she didn’t want that much foam, so she totally ordered it wrong (after much discussion among all the witnesses, the consensus is that she wanted a vanilla latte, that she had serious issues, and that she should make her own effin’ drinks at home)

  5. kaetrin 04/03/2014 at 8:15 PM #

    Un. Believable. You and your staff deserve a medal or something.

    • azteclady 04/03/2014 at 8:26 PM #

      Don’t we all wish…

      (Thank you!)


  1. Life is weird enough. | Her Hands, My Hands - 21/07/2014

    […] behind a counter serving the public knows, it doesn’t take long to become both jaded to the appalling levels of rudeness and entitlement displayed for your hapless benefit, and endlessly amazed at the new levels of idiocy and privilege every […]

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