The death of courtship, the end of men, female sexual agency

Please be aware that this post is basically a hodgepodge of thoughts that may not hold together with the clearest logic. These are the musings of 47 year old divorced woman with two adult children (20 and 25 as I type)

On March 29^th of this year, a college paper published a letter to the editor¹, in which an alumna of the college gave current female students at her alma mater advice on relationships. I find most of the text in that letter to be problematic, for a number of reasons.

For example, from one question a student asked about her 40 year long friendship with another woman, the letter writer concludes “At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.” I’m not sure about you, but going from a question about long time friends to the need for husbands, seems like an awful big jump in pseudo-logic to me.

Misogyny and whorephobia: sanctioned by law (Texas, US law, at least)

3 and a half years ago, on Christmas 2009, Ezekiel Gilbert–white male–agreed to meet with escort Lenora Ivie Frago through a Craiglist add.

Gilbert invited Frago over to his house and paid her $150. Frago declined to have sex with Gilbert and refused to refund the money–the only record of exactly how these two things came to pass comes to us through Gilbert, who as a direct consequence of them,used an AK47 to paint Frago’s car with bullets.

Frago didn’t die on the spot. Brain damaged and paralyzed, she survived for a few months.

Yesterday Last week, a jury acquitted this murderer.

What is right for YOU doesn’t have to be right for anyone else, got that?

There are very few things that apply to everyone, but that one right there? That’s one of them.

So Gabby Reese thinks that “to truly be feminine means being soft, receptive, and – look out, here it comes – submissive.” It works for her, apparently it works for her husband, more power to them.

But to fucking state that that’s The One True Way?

No.

Women this, men that.

No.

Just because you are a minor celebrity you don’t get to dictate what “women” and “men” are like.

You don’t get to dictate what makes any relationship but yours work or fail.

By all means, write about your life and your experiences, but don’t think that having lived your life makes you an authority on mine, or anyone else.

Update after the cut:

Beloved

Jay and Bryan Leffew know love and the generosity it engenders. Their love is beautiful and their story so moving I’m left without words to share it.

I don’t always agree with them, but I don’t have to in order to admire their generosity and their commitment to family, equality and love.

Thank you for being who you are.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Read their blog and watch their videos.